I knew an Amell Once
by toader95
Summary: "I broke her heart. Never in my life did I believe I could hurt someone as I did her. If I had the chance...only if." Hawke Confronts Cullen after stating he never met the like of an Amell again. Please enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Cullen looked up from the shadows on the ground when he heard someone cleared their throat. "Hawke, what are you doing here?" She had just been here earlier that morning and he was unsure why she returned.

"You said you knew an Amell once." Hawke leaned on her hip while she spoke.

"Uh, did I? I don't quite-" He paused and sighed, rubbing his hand across his face. "What is it you need?"

Hawke grinned. "Nothing too much, just to know who this Amell is. That's not so hard is it?"

"Whether you'll take my word for it, it is hard. This is not the place to talk about this either."

"Then where is?"

He groaned. She wasn't going to let this go. "Follow me, if you must." Cullen led her up the stairs in the Gallows, past the Templar Quarters and to his office. "You may want to make yourself comfortable, this might…" Hawke flopped into the chair in front of his desk, motioning for him to sit in his seat, "take a while."

She leaned her elbows on his desk, supporting her chin with her fists. "So, how do you know this woman of whom you've never met another like?"

"The Circle."

"But not this circle, correct?"

He leaned back in his chair, dreading this every second that passed. "No, not this circle, thank the Maker." She stared at him. "Ferelden's Circle of Magi. What do you want me to say?"

She laughed. "Whatever makes you feel better. What was her name?"

He could play this game. "Amell."

Hawke's smile dropped. "I understand that! Her first name if you please."

"I don't."

"You're just as stubborn as that Qunari that was in Lothering." She scrounged her nose. "He wouldn't tell me what he was trying to guess that started with G. It is a simple question. Look at it this way, the longer you avoid answering my questions, the longer I'll be here to bother you."

He didn't like that. Not that he disliked Hawke's presence, he just didn't want to be talking with an Apostate for long; and to be compared to those heathens. "I am not a Qunari."

She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest, mocking his current position. "Her name then, Knight-Captain."

"Solona Amell." He felt weird saying her first name; he never called her by it. Ever. It was a foreign word to him.

"How did you meet? And don't skimp on the details, just more prodding into your life with my questions." Her face carried a devilish grin as she spoke.

Cullen nodded. "I arrived at the Ferelden Circle when I was 18. She was how old, 15, maybe 16." He felt embarrassed; he couldn't even remember how old she was when he met her. "I would guard the library from morning to evening after the first dinner bell. She was always studying. Never took a break, except when she slept, and I'm sure she didn't want to even then."

"Right, but how did you meet?" Hawke waved her hand at him.

"How did we first speak?" She nodded. "Ah, well. It was…horrible. Surely, you don't-"

She stood and leaned over the desk. "I'm not leaving. Do not try and talk your way out of this. Cullen, by the Maker you will tell me of her!"

He held up his hands in defense. "Since you make such a pleading case. I can already tell you are related, both are so demanding. She was discussing with another mage, one I noticed she stayed with a lot. She spoke of Denerim and not remembering where she came from. When the dinner bell rang, the library was empty, save the two of us."

Hawke interrupted. "This isn't going to turn into the moment where she professed her love for you when you two were finally alone at last?" She clasped her hands, pretending to swoon.

He felt a blush creep onto his cheeks. "Er, no. That is not what happened. She finished her book and got up, silent as she always was. She stopped in front of me."

Hawke arched an eyebrow. "And you're sure it's not turning into this kind of story?"

"I was there, Hawke. She looked at the ground and just above a whisper asked me if I could hand her the book right above my head."

"She was short!" He was unamused with all her outbursts. "You were saying."

"I froze. I wasn't quite sure what to do, even though she made it plain what she wanted. So, eventually I turned and handed her a book. She handed it back."

"What was wrong?"

"Stop interrupting me, Hawke. She said I handed her to wrong book, that she had read this one multiple times before." He smiled. "I didn't go to dinner that evening. Instead I stayed in the library with her, listening as she went on about how much she loves to read. Describing books to me, how to properly hold them."

"She was finicky, then? Showing you how to carefully hold books?" Cullen was feeling annoyed by her and Hawke could tell. She rolled her eyes. "Oh shut up, Hawke." He smiled, ready to continue.

_***Hope you guys like this so far? If so please review! Maybe even read my other dragon age stories! :D***_


	2. Chapter 2

_*** Chapter 2! Enjoy!***_

Hawke laughed as she poured some whiskey from the shelf into a cup. "You have got to be joking?"

"I'm afraid not." Cullen shook his head. This was his least favorite memory of her.

Hawke leaned against the wall, drinking her whiskey. "Let me get this straight, the girl who was always silent and oh so sweet, beat up another mage? And for what, taunting her friend?"

"Well, in her defense this apprentice often accused her of being more, uh, involved with Jowan." Cullen didn't feel right speaking this, but Hawke wasn't going to leave him alone without knowing everything.

"I like her already. Jumping to defend her friends when all goes wrong. So what was her punishment, Captain?"

Cullen shook his head. "I didn't punish her if that's what you're implying."

A devilish smile crossed her lips. "I bet you wanted to, correct?"

He blushed. "I, no, never did I." She held her smile. "No, Hawke, she was put 3 days in the holding cells in the basement."

She took another drink. "What then?"

"She spent 3 days there, upon release she returned to the library and continued as if nothing had happened. It was the oddest thing. Nobody spoke a word of what had happened, they pretended as if it didn't."

Hawke returned to her seat, the bottle of whisky in hand. "I think I've picked up Varric's drinking habits." Cullen stared. "No sense of humor. Eh, you're problem I guess. Are mages as imprisoned there as here?"

He shook his head slowly. "Not at all. Before the incident with Uldred, mages were pretty much under control. Except one."

Hawke leaned in. "You say that as if I should know, Captain."

"Well, you should. His last attempt of escaping wound him up being a Grey Warden."

"Anders!" She sighed contently. "And now he's neither. Puts a damper on both parties, huh?"

"Not really. He's protected by you, Hawke. Speaking of him, he always followed Amell around before bedtime."

Hawke spit out her drink. "Followed her? What to bed? That whore!" She slammed her fist on the desk. "She didn't?" She was yelling while Cullen laughed.

"Even if she did, it was before he knew you. But you'll be relieved to hear she didn't. She only had eyes for me." She let out a disgruntled breath. "What else do you want to know?"

"That, Ser, is a wonderful question. I want to know it all."

Cullen bit his lip, unsure what to say. There were so many things to tell Hawke. "She's younger than me. Her favorite color is hazel."

"Why hazel?" He peaked her interest once more.

"She said it reminds her of my eyes. When she looks at me, she feels better." He blushed again. He knew how he felt, how he always felt about Amell, but it was the oddest feeling speaking to another person about it.

"She's sweet." Hawke smiled big. "She must have liked you a lot."

Cullen looked to the ceiling and then back to Hawke. "She did…and I was fool for ever returning those feelings."

"Did she ever speak to you about what happened with that fight?" He felt relieved she changed the subject.

"Yes, it took a while though, but she did tell me. I was guarding the basement door when she walked by. She stopped and stared at me. All I could say was 'Your eyes are blue today.' She laughed at me of course." Cullen laughed at himself. How silly he must have sounded to Hawke.

"Just that day? Did they change colors often? Maybe she was sick? Or you were color blind?" They both laughed.

"I could see fine, I was just…shy then. Getting back to the matter at hand, she asked me if I was busy. I was, but I wasn't going to tell her that. She sat in the floor next to where I was standing and opened her books. She told me it was nobody would question why she was with a templar. Amell told me her and Jowan were caught sneaking out of the apprentice quarters late one night and rumors started of them having a love affair. I guess a girl who liked Jowan started the accusation from jealously. She said she was tired of being taunted so she went to who she believed did it and, well, you know."

"Kicked her ass! Showed that girl who is in charge!" Hawke swung punches at the air. Cullen was beginning to question her sobriety with every passing moment. "I would've loved to have seen that."

"You would have been in the circle if you saw." He pointed out.

She pouted. "I don't want to be there. It sounds boring, save the fighting of my dear cousin Solona Amell. Sounds weird doesn't it, cousin. Cousssssiinnn."

"I'm sure the circle isn't boring now. Amell requested her boon from Queen Anora to give mages their freedom. It was a foolish thing for her to do." He clenched his fist.

Hawke's smile fell. "You truly don't trust mages, do you?"

Cullen stood and faced the window behind his desk. He drew open the curtain allowing light to drown the shadowed room. "I was tortured, Hawke. Imprisoned for I don't even know how long. They fooled me with images, played with my mind, all my desires. Uldred tried making me give in, but I resisted, with everything I had. If she wouldn't have shown up when she did…I would have died." Hawke stayed silent; sure anything she said would be useless.

"I was in the Templar Quarters on the 3rd floor when it happened. I heard the screams of terror and pain, the maniacal laughs when another was slain. I ran, Hawke. I ran as fast as I could. I was selfish for that moment. I only thought of getting myself to freedom. I ran past everyone, ignoring pleas for help. I was afraid, shocked that any mage would do such a thing. I was so close…so close to the door when Uldred got me. He applauded me for being selfish, then locked me away."

"You were lucky he didn't kill you." Hawke's voice was hushed.

"I suppose so. Death would have been better than what I went through." Cullen shut his eyes. Remembering what happened hurt more than he could have ever thought. He hadn't ever really spoken to anyone about it and he was unsure as to why he was now. "They taunted me and tricked me with my desires. I saw her so many times. Each time she would say how she loved me and all she wants is to be with me, away from the tower and magic and Templars. I was foolish; I almost believed it was her. It was…so long before I saw what I thought to be her again. I told the demon to leave! It wouldn't."

"Why not?" Hawke was interested, she felt sorry for him, but still interested.

"It was her. I admitted all my feelings to her and her companions. I begged for her to kill every mage in the tower. Her eyes filled with tears and she reached out for me. Her words haunt me. 'No…Cullen, I will not kill an innocent mage. Not for you, not for anybody." Hawke awkwardly twiddled her fingers. She had no idea what to say at this point. It was obvious to her how pained he was. "What happened next…I wish I could change."

_*** Well, chapter 2! Yes, it's kind of recapping Unwelcome home now. But I have to, Hawke doesn't know the story! Hope You Enjoyed! Please Review! ***_


	3. Chapter 3

_*** I hope chapter 2 didn't disappoint. Here's Number Three ***_

"Then she said she loved me. Loved, with a d." Cullen was now back in his chair, his gloves off, and drinking water. "She told me she heard the rumors of everyone saying I was mad. She said she should've believed them."

"Ouch, that was a little harsh." Hawke had calmed down a bit from before. She was finding herself hurt by how her cousin acted to him.

"I think now, and I know I deserved it. It was wrong of me to ask such a request from her. Hawke, I broke her heart in a matter of mere seconds. I know I did too. She threw her locket on the ground, saying she didn't want it anymore."

She raised an eyebrow. "What was this locket?"

Cullen blushed. "I…I gave it to her."

"Why?" She questioned.

"It's dull. You surely can't-" Hawke narrowed her eyes. "Okay, I see. I gave her the locket because I found it."

"Oh, that's genuine love there. Here, Solona, Have this locket I randomly found." Her voice was sarcastic.

"The Knight-Commander had me place the phylacteries of new apprentices in the basement. The First-Enchanter went with me after we got past the first door, which required a password. I was placing them on the shelf when Irving told me to come. He showed me a phylactery with a gold locket lying around it. The chain was broken." Cullen remembered the moment well.

"_Cullen, look at this." He walked over to Irving who was pointing at a phylactery. _

"_It's a phylactery and a gold chain, First Enchanter." Cullen was confused._

"_It belongs to Solona Amell. You know her well enough. She had it with her she arrived. Knight-Commander Gregoir felt it vital to put the chain with her phylactery." _

_Cullen sat down the box he was holding. "For what purpose?"_

"_I am not sure. We could never get it to open, though. I wonder if she remembers it." Irving smiled at Cullen._

"_Are you suggesting I give it to her?" He couldn't believe Irving was saying this._

_Irving shrugged. "If you feel I am, I wouldn't tell if you gave this to her." _

Hawke gasped. "He suggested you steal? That sneaky first enchanter!"

Cullen shrugged his shoulders. "I did take it. I couldn't open it. I tried so hard, but I did fix the chain however. The evening I gave it to her, she was in the Chantry of the Tower."

"Was she praying?" Hawke asked.

"And here you were doing so well no interrupting." She grinned. "She was. There was nobody else in there, so I knelt down next to her and prayed with her. When she finished she smiled at me. I'll never forget that smile; it was a mixture of happiness and affection. I handed her the locket. 'What is it for?' She asked. I could barely speak. 'A gift. I…I thought you may like it.' She handed it back to me and asked me to put on for her."

"Oh, Cullen, that's so adorable! Templar and mage! A relationship that can never be! But somehow, you two defied the odds."

"We didn't defy any odds. If we had, I wouldn't be a Templar anymore." He covered his mouth.

"What was that? I didn't hear you?" Hawke's eyes were wide. "Did you just say that?"

"I…we…well we discussed it…before…" He lowered his head. "Hawke, please don't."

"The agreement was I know everything, Captain." She crossed her arms.

"Right…well, we snuck to meet in the far corner of the library one night. She asked me of my life before the Circle. I told her and she…"

_"If you hadn't became a Templar, what would be doing?" Solona laid her head on the table, watching him. _

_ "I probably would have become a brother of the Chantry. I don't know, it's truly hard to say. What of you?"_

_ She took a breath and smiled. "I would have grown up, where ever I'm from, and hopefully met a nice man my parents approved of and gotten married and had children and a good life."_

_ He blushed. "Any man would be lucky, Amell." _

_ She agreed. "They would, but I wouldn't want just any man, Cullen. Hopefully, if neither of us were as we are, we could have met." He was speechless. Did she just? No, she couldn't have. "I'd leave here if I could."_

_ "You couldn't go alone…" He wasn't sure what to say. "I'd have to go and make sure you're alright."_

_ "You'd leave with me?" He could see her blue eyes through the dark clearly. They were hopeful._

_ "I'd follow you anywhere...We could go to Orlais." What was he saying?_

_ "Or Antiva. I hear they have assassins."_

_ "We'd go there for Assassins?" He laughed._

_ "Fine, no. Not when you say that. Kirkwall, we could earn our way up and be nobility! They wouldn't have to know I'm a mage and you could still be a Templar there."_

_ He reached for her hand. "If I left here, I wouldn't be a Templar anymore…I'd be…with you." _

Hawke applauded; clapping her hands. "That is the sweetest thing I've heard anyone say in forever."

"It was foolish. I admit, I wonder what would have happened if we ever went through with it." He sighed.

"You'd probably die from Lyrium with drawl, and she'd probably go into depression and kill herself over mourning you." She bluntly spoke.

Cullen's eyes went wide and his jaw fell. "You…are rude."

"It's what I'm here for! So, was that argument you two had the last time you spoke?" Hawke took off her boots and began rubbing her foot.

"No, it wasn't." He shook his head at her.

"Now this I have to hear!" She laughed loudly. "After I rub my foot."

"Oh Maker, help me." He mumbled.

_***Chapter 3! Sorry, if it's weird. And the italicaized is flashbacks. I get tired of having Cullen say "She said and I said and she did and I did." Things. ***_


	4. Chapter 4

_*** Chapter 4 ! Thanks to those who reviewed. I appreciate a lot. A/N: This story probably won't be more than 6 chapters long, seven tops. It wasn't meant to be. Maybe another one will be though ;D 3 ***_

Cullen watched as the sun was starting to set. It was something he enjoyed every day to watch. It was getting late, and Hawke was in no rush to leave. "Are you finished yet?"

She examined her foot. "I suppose so. Alright, continue."

"The Blight consumed Denerim and southern regions of Ferelden. The mages were called upon to help the Grey Warden's. Not a single one perished in the onslaught. When the Archdemon was slain, news arrived of the victory. Amell had saved us. I could just imagine her being nervous from all the attention. When the mages returned from the fight, they were happy, excited, anything you can think of. She had used her boon to grant mages more freedom; how they put it. Templars and mages worked together to rebuild the tower, slowly, but surely."

"Get to it." Hawke motioned for him to get to the point.

"The Knight-Commander was becoming weary of me guarding the mages. So he had me guarding the entrance, the harrowing chamber, anything that didn't involve mages. One day, Amell and Alistair-" Hawke cut him off.

"Who is he?" She questioned.

"Stop it!" He was growing tired of her stopping him. "They showed up looking for the First Enchanter. More of, Amell wanted to speak with the First Enchanter…"

_ "Wait here, I'll go speak to him, and then we can go, okay?" Solona smiled and left, leaving Alistair at the Entrance with a masked Templar. _

_ He leaned against the wall and turned to the Templar. "The tower seems to be recovering from the last time I saw it." The templar stayed quiet. "Look, I won't bite, you can speak to me. I'm going to be a here a while, best to know one another."_

_ The Templar hesitated and removed his helmet. "Alistair, nice to see you again."_

_ "Cullen, last time I saw you, you were less helmety." Alistair laughed and a look of confusion covered Cullen's face._

_ "That terrible sense of humor hasn't changed I see." Cullen placed his helmet under his arm._

_ "What can I say? It's my trademark." He inhaled deeply. "How are you doing…since, you know?" _

_ "I'm fine. Why are you here?" Cullen didn't want to speak about himself. He felt the need to speak about Solona._

_ He shrugged. "Solona had business to conduct before she heads to Amaranthine. I'm here in case she needs protection. I'd follow her anywhere you know."_

_ "Amaranthine, what is there?" Cullen was curious._

_ "Poke, poke, poke. Alright, she's being issued as the Warden-Commander temporarily. Which I despise. That means she has to spend Maker knows how long away from me. I'm not allowed to come, something about too much blah blah and this and that." Alistair didn't want to recite what he was told._

_ "Why does it matter if she is away from you?" Alistair sighed at that question. _

_ "I was hoping you wouldn't ask…She and I are…together." Alistair spoke quietly._

_ Cullen swallowed hard and put his helmet back on. He felt tears building up. He was not known to cry, but he couldn't believe it…_

_ "There you are! Ready to go, Alistair?" Solona was cheery. Cullen watched her smile at him. It wasn't the same smile she would give him, it was…less. "Irving said I have nothing to worry about."_

_ Her blue eyes were shining, but never like they used to, they were dimmer. He gulped and she looked straight at him. "Alistair, I had hoped to see Cullen. I wanted to apologize to him. I couldn't find him, so I told Gregoir I'd be writing him a letter for Cullen." Alistair nodded. "Okay, let's go!" Solona stared at Cullen as she walked by, somehow she knew it was him._

"That had to be heart breaking." Hawke watched as he shut his eyes and sank down in his chair. "I'm sorry."

"It was my own fault, Hawke. I don't need sympathy, but I appreciate it." He hated himself sometimes for all he did.

"So she wrote you?" She wanted to move on from him feeling sad.

"She did. But I was already gone. Gregoir had sent me here, to Kirkwall. Rumors spread I snapped and killed 3 apprentices. I didn't, mind you. I just caught them out after curfew. So he sent me here to serve under Meredith. She saw my views the same as hers and now I'm Knight-Captain."

"I thought when you came to Kirkwall you weren't going to be a Templar anymore?" Hawke sympathetically smiled.

He returned it. "Plans change, apparently. But I received a stack of letters one day. The others teased it was from a secret lover, some even said my mother misses me too much. Meredith claimed to have not read them, but I don't believe her for a second on that. Her voice when she said I received letters from the Tower in Ferelden was so harsh and cold. That and the envelopes were open."

Hawke stretched out and yawned. "She wrote you a lot then?"

He nodded. "Every day. She told me of her adventures gathering an army, how she hated Amranthine and being the Warden-Commander. She even told me about Alistair." He shook his head. "She mentioned in one letter how she regretted throwing the locket down. She said she wished our lives turned out differently. I doubt Alistair saw these letters though."

"You're telling me how she often wrote you, but did you reply?" He shook his head. "Why?"

"I didn't know what to say…I was afraid. On her last letter, which was a couple months ago actually, she said if I didn't reply to this letter, then she understood and wouldn't write back. She hasn't written."

Hawke slammed her fists on the table, anger on her face. "You're an idiot! Why didn't you reply? Maker, Cullen, reply now!"

He was startled. "I…can't." He pulled open the drawer to his desk and pulled out a letter. It was crumpled up and a corner was torn. He handed it to Hawke. "Read it."

_Dearest Cullen,_

_ How are you doing? I hope all is well. You never tell me how Kirkwall is. I still remember us deciding to go there…child's talk I guess. I've heard so much about the city. Are the Qunari really there? Why don't they leave? Hopefully they leave soon and don't destroy the city. _

_ Oh! Alistair and I did some digging and we found out I'm from Kirkwall. Crazy huh? Actually, my family was a very important noble family, until I was born that is. Turns out someone greased a lot of palms to get me out Kirkwall. The Templars I ran into when I was little brought me to a place called "The Gallows"and the family found out and eventually sent me here. I guess everything went downhill from there. I heard my mother's cousin ran off with an apostate. I have cousins Cullen! Isn't that great? I hope to meet them one day. Irving recently gave me some letters from my mother and father that I never received while at the circle. And I always thought I was from Denerim_

_ Lately, I've been thinking, how much I wish things would've been different…you know. I defeated an Archdemon, right? I still don't feel special. Cullen, I have to ask you something. If you never reply to this letter, then I understand…and I won't write back either…After all these years, Alistair asked me to marry him. Crazy thing, I said yes. Tell me, and I'll do it. I want…I miss you Cullen. It feels…wrong. Please, let me know._

_ Yours Truly,_

_ Amell_

Hawke laid the letter down. No words could express the thoughts in her head at this moment. Solona had begged Cullen to talk her out of that engagement. Cullen couldn't find the heart to do so…Hawke felt her heart break for their love, which could never be.

_*** Hope Chapter 4 wasn't a letdown *** 3_


End file.
